On paper, I'm a wealthy man, and I owe my riches to one thing: pipe collecting.

When I started smoking pipes, I didn't realize how lucrative it could be. In fact, I was at first concerned about the expense: Nice pipes can carry challenging price tags. But when I started working the numbers and keeping track, I soon discovered the plus-column of my pipe budget increasing exponentially, particularly when factoring in the number of smokes obtainable from any given pipe.

Here's how it works: Suppose I purchase a pipe for $200. It's easy to figure out that my first smoke in that pipe will have cost me $200, and a little more when accounting for a bowl of tobacco.

However, this is where the magic starts. Though I've had no formal training in mathematics, the genius of this formula will soon become apparent and I believe a Nobel Prize may be in my future. Through the complex and nearly unfathomable process of "averaging" — which is too complex to explain here and understandable only to a few minds equal to mine — I discovered that my second bowl brought the cost per smoke to only $100 each: $200 ÷ 2 = $100.

That's still a lot for a smoke but look at the savings. By smoking that pipe a second time, I saved $100. If I save $100 per smoke, I break even with the second use of that pipe and have virtually earned a free pipe. By this stage, I could put that pipe on a shelf and never smoke it again, and I'd have invested nothing.

the genius of this formula will soon become apparent

But it gets better. If I smoke that pipe a third time, I've made $100 by saving $100 three times. That's $300 minus the pipe's original cost of $200: $300 – $200 = $100 (my mathematical intellect is dazzlingly intimidating, but try to follow along). After the pipe's cost has been reimbursed via earned revenue from smoking, I now make $100 every time I smoke that pipe.

The cash doesn't just materialize on the kitchen table. I'm not sure where it is, but I'm confident in my calculations so it must be somewhere, perhaps waiting to be downloaded from the Cloud, whatever that is. I'll figure it out soon, but in the meantime, my spreadsheet indicates that this accounting technique has made me rich. I smoke a lot, so I must be very rich.

Those who are as mathematically brilliant as I and possess my genius-level understanding of whole numbers lower than nine will have noted a wrinkle in my computations: the Law of Diminishing Pipe Returns. If I've smoked a $200 pipe 100 times, for example, each smoke costs $2. Pessimists may look at the numbers and note that the difference between the 99th and 100th smoke is only 20 cents: the 99th smoke costs $2.20, the 100th $2. So with this sort of accounting, the benefits are reduced. I'd have to smoke that pipe a thousand times to make only $200, and I'm too busy building a financial empire to smoke a pipe 1,000 times within a reasonable time frame. Acceleration would only cause tongue bite and no fortune is worth that.

my spreadsheet indicates that this accounting technique has made me rich

However, mathematicians of my caliber can work wonders with a spreadsheet. By approaching the formula from a different angle, better results are easily attained. Compare, therefore, the 20 cents saved between the 99th and 100th smoke. Some accountants might see only a 20-cent savings per smoke with 100 smokes reaping a mere $20 profit.

When you're a master of numbers, though, things change. My spreadsheets reflect not the 20-cent savings between the 99th and 100th uses, but the $97.80 between the first and 100th smokes. One way provides $0.20; the other, $98, so it's easy to choose. And when you multiply $98 by 100 uses, that's like, um, well, it's a lot. I've retired my pipe lighter in favor of lighting my pipes with $100 bills, and it's awesome. These incredible riches await every pipe smoker.

Once I'd made my discovery, my future became resplendent with riches. But why settle for the paltry thousands obtainable with $200 pipes? I decided to become obscenely wealthy by investing in more expensive smoking instruments.

mathematicians of my caliber can work wonders with a spreadsheet.

For the past two weeks, I've bought and smoked all the artisan pipes I could find, the more intricate, museum-quality, and rare the better. I had to max out my credit cards and take out a few loans (a local entrepreneur named Mr. Nailgun has been very helpful) because I've not yet figured out how to cash in the numbers on my spreadsheet, but that's next.

Now I merely have to go online and download the profits so I can pay for all these pipes and collect my winnings. By the time you read this, I'll be living on my own private island, and when I throw my island-warming party, you're invited. We'll smoke together and cash the checks later; there's plenty of profit to go around. So I recommend going on a pipe-buying spree and collecting the inevitable proceeds. You can buy the island next to mine.

I've not yet figured out how to cash in the numbers on my spreadsheet