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Traditional garb for administering discipline
Many of us romanticize our pipes, admiring their execution and design, their flowing lines, crisp ridgelines, and meticulous engineering. We wax poetic about the tightness of a pipe's grain and its easy airflow, or the superior flavor of that block of briar. But pipes are instruments designed for a purpose: the combustion of tobacco. They have one job, and when they fail, that insubordination must be addressed.
Let's say you have a pipe that has performed wonderfully over many years, but suddenly it delivers a substandard smoke. Some might say it's time to give that pipe a rest and let it recover, maybe set it aside on a comfy cushion, read it some inspirational poetry, and reinforce its self-esteem with validating platitudes.
But discipline is essential to maintaining a collection of fine smokers, and those who are lenient with their pipes are doomed to a lifetime of subservience to these sometimes selfish devices.
The impact of pipe discipline became apparent when I was confronted with an over-tight stem. It wouldn't budge. It was fine, and then it stopped being fine. It reminded me of my golden retriever who during walks would reminisce about her beloved food dish at home and suddenly refuse to go farther. I couldn't discipline the dog, because she gazed affectionately at me and paralyzed my resolve with her canine charm; however, while I may be a failure with dogs, I became determined to master the behavior of my pipes.
...those who are lenient with their pipes are doomed to a lifetime of subservience
A friend told me to put the pipe in the freezer for a half hour, after which the stem easily withdrew from the shank. It was an epiphany. My friend said it was because the stummel and the stem cooled at different rates, permitting the tenon to contract enough to disengage, but that interpretation is a barrel of hogwash. The pipe started behaving again because it was unwilling to revisit the freezer.
Then I learned about a method for freshening pipes that have become funky with overuse. Called the salt-and-alcohol treatment, the idea is to leach impurities from the briar by plugging the mortise so that alcohol can't escape, loading the tobacco chamber with kosher salt, and saturating it with Everclear. As the alcohol evaporates, I was told, it pulls those impurities from the briar into the salt and results in a cleaner, better performing pipe.
I tried it and it worked, but not for that reason. The pipe started smoking properly again because it didn't like the discipline. Anyone can confirm it by loading their stomach with a couple of boxes of kosher salt, drinking a quart of Everclear, and appreciating the level of negative reinforcement attending that behavior. Few would voluntarily survive. Thankfully, it's an experiment that few have tried.
Okay, it was only me, but never again.
the mere threat of discipline is adequate for improving pipe behavior
Pipes are no different. Fill a pipe with salt and Everclear and see if it repeats the behavior that provoked that treatment. It will deliver tobacco flavor of unsurpassed clarity just to avoid the salt torture.
It's expected that in the course of daily use a pipe will eventually require cleaning, but that's regarding its interior elements: the tobacco chamber and smoke channel. A pipe that gets lazy and lets itself go in appearance, one that reports for duty with a dull finish, or even signs of actual grime, must be reprimanded. For these sad specimens a particularly effective penalty employs a buffing wheel at 1600 rpm. Pipes hate that. Subjected to a soft buff with negligible abrasion, they will rethink their slovenly ways and seek clemency by shining with more polished deportment.
I eventually discovered that the mere threat of discipline can improve pipe behavior and that we should threaten our pipes immediately just to establish ground rules. One gambit proposes buying two pipes at a time and taking them to the backyard, starting the wood chipper, and tossing one in. As that unfortunate pipe grinds noisily to its demise, hold up the other and say, "That's what happens to pipes that don't smoke right."
But no one, you might say, is going to buy two pipes at a time and immediately destroy one, and you'd be right, that's ridiculous. It's better to buy only one and use a burned-out, throwaway estate pipe as your sacrificial example.
In fact, I now keep a box of disposable estates on hand just to show my pipes their fate should they fail me, and none have. The details are too horrible to divulge, but there are things you can do to a sacrificial pipe that will motivate your smoking rotation to perform like Bo Nordhs. I recommend imagination, a rusty needle file, and a loud, half-speed loop of "Disco Duck."
...a sacrificial pipe will motivate the rest of your collection to perform like Bo Nordhs
A psychological fusillade of such reprehensible magnitude may appear extreme but is crucial to establishing a stable of fine smoking instruments. Maintained with frequent sacrificial examples, vicarious torment, and occasional verbal abuse, pipes will ably achieve peak performance. It's an emotionally strenuous regimen, but we must suppress our innate kindness to capture those sublime smoking experiences attainable only through the conscientious oversight of reasonably apprehensive pipes.
Medieval Torture Devices
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Comments
Lol! I believe that tobacco pipes can have what Maslow defined as a Hierarchy of Needs, just like people. Maybe positive reinforcement, praise, and reward works best. Or any up to date book on how to handle an unruly teenager. But sometimes, and I mean sometimes, you have to get all Dr. Hannibal Lecter on their butt. "Quid pro quo, Ser Jacapo, yes or no? The answer's not on that shiny acrylic stem of your's." "Our little Eltang wasn't born a bad pipe, but made one through years of systematic abuse." Or Buffalo Bill "It performs the perfect smoke or it gets the hose again... ain't that right Precious, it gets the hose." And sometimes it's the operator at fault. This article was good medicine, thank you Santa.
I''m off to give one of mine some heartless lashing with a pipe cleaner. I'll even use the bristles if I have to.
I''m off to give one of mine some heartless lashing with a pipe cleaner. I'll even use the bristles if I have to.
Loved it!Let's see some more by Stanion.
Merry Christmas, Chuck. Good story; I'm glad I'm not one of your pipes. Years of engineering experience have taught me that the threat is often more motivating than the actual administration. I keep several pipe tools next to my pipe rack as a reminder of what will happen if they misbehave. It works just fine.
Yeah, I have a cob that's been out in the cold all night performing wheel chock duty and it's on a pretty steep incline too. That'll teach it to smoke hot, wet, and with a tight draw on me! Stubborn little sh*!
I've a early '70s GBD estate pipe that is a masochist. Once a year, around Christmas, it requires a salt and 151 rum soak. Maybe I subjected it to too many whisky soaked pipe cleaners?
Thanks for another well written, helpful, and witty article, Chuck. Do you know if any of these priciples can be applied to other things that start out sweet but sour over time, say, like wives?
Heartless, I say, heartless. Physical abuse to ANY pipe...is never warranted. Around the Loisiada Loft here in Manhattan, I just have to whisper a single sentence to any misbehaving pipe. A very simple sentence."I am going to smoke aromatic tobacco--three bowls of dreaded aromatic tobacco--and then see how you feel!"That's it around this Latakia-forward English blend homestead...no more wayward briars...
Haha! You saved article of the year to its very end. Great one!
I keep mine next to the carbide die grinder at work, the buffer and the air hose aren't far. If that don't keep it in line the acedeline torch is the final straw...
I have a rather large pipe collection. Somewhere around a hundred, briar, meerschaum, and gourd Calabash pipes (not counting the cobs), and I've found that I need to keep a tight rein on any one that's exhibiting misbehavior. I keep a kit of pipe "torture" devices nearby at all times. Any pipe that misbehaves is in for a good reaming out, and bristle cleaners dipped in denatured alcohol run through the stem and shank mortise. "Take that you sour pipe, if you don't straighten up and fly right, it's the Salt and Alcohol treatment for you"!