I noticed my supernatural powers early in life, starting with my ability to recognize when I was about to be grounded by sensing that my parents would surmise exactly how my brother's bedroom furniture became spray painted Barbie pink. I then applied my clairvoyance to foretell the parental retribution I would face after my brother found all of his pants legs knotted tightly together, and again after he found my pet spiny-tailed iguana, which he was terrified of, nestling against his toes when he climbed into bed. The iguana didn't object, but my brother did. Thanks to my powers of premonition, I was already two hayfields away, basking in the moonlight and the gratifying caterwauling.

I continued to impress myself afterward. I could discern much about the people in my neighborhood from their possessions alone. When a new Camaro drove by I immediately said, "That guy is a banker," and my mom said, "That's Earl. He works at the upholstery shop." I was still refining my supernatural gift, which became even more wondrous as time passed.

As an adult, I expanded my psychic perception by taking a Fortune-Teller-and-Spiritualist correspondence course (after graduation I tried to get everyone to call me The Stupendous Chuck, but most referred to me as The Medium Chuck), and I also explored the arcane science of astrology and the writing of horoscopes. My mystical abilities could now determine the smallest details of a person's life simply from environmental and celestial cues.

Later, when I became a pipe enthusiast, I found that my accuracy was greatest when reading other pipe smokers.

Few possessions are more personal than pipes, and their auras offer transcendental insight into the personalities of their owners. My readings are an amalgamation of the most accurate elements of the astrological and psychic sciences, and now, for the enlightenment and stupefaction of all, I shall share my insights. If you've ever wondered what personal details may be recognizable from the pipes you smoke, this guide will answer every question you've ever entertained.

Here are some general pipe categories and the characteristics of those who smoke them, as understood by a true Master of Mysticism:

Large pipes:

You're unafraid of commitment. When you decide on a course of action, such as a bowl of Squadron Leader, you're all-in with a cavernous bowl lasting hours. You finish what you start, mainly, and have earned the admiration of others for your determination to selflessly endure pleasant circumstances. In former lives, you easily tackled large, imposing jobs like Mongol invasions, were unimpressed for short durations by catastrophes like volcanic eruptions, and once insulted an angry grizzly just to demonstrate who was in charge. He was in charge. In your current life, you do not mock bears in the wild.

Small pipes:

You like to enjoy life in short, intense bursts of activity. You're an adventurer, though practicality is a ruling influence, and you know that many small experiences accumulate for a broader perspective. You limit your subscriptions to six months or less. Someone close to you has the letter A, E, or O in their name or address or book collection and approves of your choice of tobaccos except for English, Virginia, Burley, or Aromatic blends. You prefer to carry items in your pocket, which has caused one or more shoplifting misunderstandings.

Bent pipes:

Your life is all about balance, and you've found that correct equilibrium should include home/work balance, hobby/family balance, and checkbooks. You don't like anything obstructing your field of vision, preferring to see clearly and assess each of life's challenges, and you're gifted at multitasking. Someone in your past once compared you to an animal, mineral, or fungi, and you have a distant relative who once met, heard about, or stood next to a famous author, musician, or actor who also smoked bent pipes.

Straight pipes:

You are direct, and you appreciate efficiency. You like the classics in literature, music, or cars. You carry a pocket knife without fail except for those occasions when you don't. You have a muscular jawline. The straight line is among the geometric shapes you can most effortlessly identify, though rectangles are generally unproblematic as well. Clean, simple solutions occur to you naturally. Trendy, gaudy ornamentation is objectionable, and you prefer a neat, Spartan environment sometimes generously decorated with gaudy ornamentation. Someone close to you has recently experienced gastrointestinal discomfort, and the pets you've owned have invariably had single-, double-, or triple-syllable nicknames. You're sometimes hungry or thirsty when the moon is full.

Traditional pipe shapes:

You like old movies with characters who say "Zounds!" or "Gadzooks!" A lost love remembers everything about you with affection, except they misremember a time when you invited your friends over and accidentally set the couch on fire. The best course of action is one that has been tested and approved by many before you, preferably for generations, although you willingly accept original, new approaches that you subconsciously don't trust. An important element of your life has changed recently, like the day of the week, making a deep impression that has altered your entire raison d'être but that has not affected you. New-fangled gizmos irritate you while only the most advanced of cutting edge contrivances are appealing.

Freehand pipe shapes:

You despise the mundane and pursue creativity. Your first serious relationship was either long-distance or local and ended when they broke your heart and stole your best sweater or hat or other personal item made from textiles. Investigating the latest tobaccos is fun, and you like to experiment by adding your own components for new flavor profiles or trusting that the blender knows best and leaving them as is. You once rode in a car that would eventually need maintenance, possibly a Ford or some other American-made or foreign car of a color in the visible spectrum.

Clay pipes:

In a former life, you were Johann Sebastian Bach.

Meerschaum pipes:

You pursue the intricacies of life and examine their nuances with approval. You don't like to wear burdock or plaids, preferring neutral grays and whites while also appreciating earth tones, reds, blues, oranges, and bananas. Bacchus is your favorite historical deity, and you sometimes approach a task with the question, "What would Bacchus do?" You were a dragon in a former life who ate only aristocrats. You own ... wait ... it's coming to me ... my powers are great ... a belt and a toothbrush. Your significant other is moderately bewildered by your affection for pipe smoking, and you're moderately bewildered by their taste in spouses, but you both accept it.

Corn cob pipes:

Your aura is blue with what appear to be exclamation points duct taped to it. You recognize the value of crystals, especially diamonds, and you know a diamond in the rough when you see it. You value practicality as long as it's accompanied by quality. You've read or heard about Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer and have an opinion about them. The outdoors is soothing to you when there isn't a blizzard or hurricane, and you were a professional juggler during a life in the early 1900s but quit suddenly after failing to master sword juggling and discovered the challenges of one-handed performance. Among your strengths is the ability to occasionally tolerate people, and you're at your very best when Capricorn or Aries are in orbit at low tide with southerly winds.

I know what you're thinking because, well, I'm psychic, remember? You're thinking, this is amazing, how is it possible that so much about me is obvious just from the pipes I smoke? Such is the mystery of these abilities. Still, it's exhausting to provide readings of such extraordinary accuracy and it takes time for my powers to recharge before I can resume; however, they sometimes replenish instantaneously under the correct circumstances, such as a transfer of funds to my account: [email protected].