Halloween Pipe Horrors: How Not to Treat your Briars

Deep within the pipe library there is a mysterious box — a box filled with unspeakable horrors. From misshaped, broken briars to charred, chewed off meerschaums, some truly terrible monsters call this cardboard box their final resting place.

In honor of Halloween, we'd like to share a few of these ghastly, mistreated numbers from SPC's pipe science box. Here's what "not" to do to your pipes.

Pipe Science Pipes at Smokingpipes.com

Blackbeard If you can't already tell, this is not a "natural" patina. No, someone, for some reason, charred the face of this pirate. Perhaps there was a powder explosion on Backbeard's ship; perhaps he was involved in some terrible fire-based mutiny. Either way, patience is the key to "coloring" your meerschaums — not a blow torch.

Pipe Science Pipes at Smokingpipes.com

Rotten Hanging Apple Burn outs are quite common in the pipe science box, but this might be the worst I've ever seen. The entire left side of the rim has been completely melted away and charred. I'm not sure if it was an over zealous use of a torch lighter or just poor depth perception, but one thing's certain: this pipe has seen a lot of abuse... and apparently a noose.

Pipe Science Pipes at Smokingpipes.com

Briar from the Black Lagoon There are some truly scary things out there; this hulking straight Billiard happens to be one of them. As if its heavily oxidized stem, heavy Latakia ghost, and worn finish weren't swampy enough, it's also been charred heavily around the front of the bowl. How? Why? I don't know, but there's got to be better ways of scaring your friends than doing this to their briars.

Pipe Science Pipes at Smokingpipes.com

Bram Smokers' Over-reamed Billiard Okay, this one may seem silly, but this little French Billiard's lower chamber walls were actually charred and reamed so thin that we were able to slide two pipe cleaners through the bowl. Now we all have trouble getting rid of stubborn aromatic ghosts, but turning your pipe into Bram Stoker's Dracula isn't exactly what I would advise.

So there you have it: four terrible examples of how "not" to treat your pipes. Though sad, and slightly entertaining, these misused and mistreated numbers do exist. Luckily though, you can rest assured we'll never try to sell one to you.

Category:   Pipe Line
Tagged in:   Estate Pipes Pipe Science Tips


    • Aaron Jobe on October 31, 2014
    • Would you mind NOT posting this absolute bullshit? It was a waste of my time. You should be ashamed. Please go back to pipe discussions of a more serious nature.

    • DR on October 31, 2014
    • Andrew, thanks for the chuckles.

    • Paul on October 31, 2014
    • Hey Aaron.. if ya don't like it... don't read it, you chode.

    • Steve on October 31, 2014
    • Aaron, would you mind NOT posting such selfish comments? You should be ashamed! Plus, you look like an asshole. Andrew, I liked the post. Keep up the good work.

    • Jim on October 31, 2014
    • OK, I'll admit it -- I don't know what a chode is, but it sounds like a bad thing. Bad Aaron! Bad! Down! Thank you DR, Paul, and Steve!

    • Jim on October 31, 2014
    • And thanks also to Andrew, of course!

    • Jim on October 31, 2014
    • OK, now I KNOW what chode (or choad) means -- although now I wish I still didn't. That said, my post stands.

    • Jonathan G on November 1, 2014
    • Aaron, "pipe discussions of a more serious nature," after all we are mostly grown men obsessed with hunks of wood (no entendre intended), if we start taking ourselves too seriously, what next... Halloween, Calvin and Hobbes, politics?

    • Andrew W on November 1, 2014
    • Haha thanks for all the comments, everyone! Hope you all had a great Halloween. Aaron, sorry to hear you didn't like the post.

    • Terrence S. on November 3, 2014
    • Loved the pictures, keep it up and show more abused pipes. I love laughing at dumbass people and what they do.

    • Don Singsaas on November 3, 2014
    • Thanks for the pictures! Now I know that my camping pipe is not in as bad a shape as I thought and in fact is in relatively good shape!

    • Tony Hicks on November 8, 2014
    • Instead of thinking of the previous owners as dumbasses, I prefer to think of them as hard living types who loved the crap out of their pipes. Who knows what amazing adventures these battered pipes have been on?! One of my own favourites is a crappy rusticated Brigham I bought in a really skeevy junk store/pawn shop for 15 bucks (Canadian, no less! That's like a buck fifty US) . It has a giant scorch mark on the outer rim. I don't even know why I bought it! But it's a great smoker and often the pipe I reach for first... especially if I'm going to be going somewhere where I won't be able to baby it. So I say hooray for the scary looking, well-loved pipes! I'm gonna smoke this baby till she falls apart.

    • Ron on November 8, 2014
    • Ol' Aaron there is mad 'cause his mommy potty-trained him at gunpoint. Seriously man, it's an article. Don't like it, don't read it. But unless you pay for their web-hosting or sign their weekly paychecks, you don't have the right to decide what is or is not worthy for them to write about. Chode.

    • Michael on September 24, 2015
    • Love this! Very creative.

    • Bruce P on September 26, 2015
    • Regardless of if we choose to admit it, I'd venture to say we all have a "pipe graveyard" with a few of these skeletons in it. They may even return to haunt us every so often.

    • Bryan Webber on December 7, 2016
    • On a more "serious" note... Just kidding. I like the post. I can't figure the charring on the front of the massive billiard, or the meerschaum charring. Amazing!

    • Clay S on September 23, 2019
    • Regarding the second picture, my great grandfather's pipe looks like that. He would always light his pipe by holding a lit match right at the front of the bowl and puffing, never moving the match.

    • Tampaholic on March 2, 2020
    • Ha! Just stumbled upon this and it leaves a lot for the imagination. Maybe one of those pipes belonged to Ol'Aaron and he threw a temper tantrum because his pipe got put on blast or he's guilty of the abuse. Getting potty trained at gun point paints a funny picture in my mind's eye. Or maybe those pipes belonged to to fledgling pipe smokers who didn't do much research before taking up the hobby (live and learn sort of thing). Reading and watching videos is fundamental. Or maybe those pipes did see many adventures which involved alcohol or other mind altering substances. Who knows, but I liked the article.

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