Wrestling an alligator is an essential skill, and you've come to the right place for instruction. When you're considering a potentially lethal activity like alligator wrestling, an online tobacco store is obviously your most trusted source of information.

If all was right with the world, alligator wrestling would be taught in elementary schools, but sadly, our education system is deficient. Few children even experience dodgeball injuries these days, let alone learn to sustain the inevitable alligator chomps of later life. Near-death alligator experiences prepare one for the disappointments of life, but we have failed systemically and made self-education necessary.

Alligators have existed for 160 million years and aren't intimidated by humans. They've been snacking on us since before we could walk upright, and we've only recently become a nuisance. In alligator wrestling, the motivations of the combatants differ. Assuming the wrestling does not follow an involuntary fall from a boat or riverbank, the human is participating in what he (it's always a guy; it has something to do with hormones and brain development) considers to be "sport," but the alligator considers to be "dinner."

Traditionally, the first step in recreational alligator wrestling is to drink death-defying quantities of alcohol with your most disreputable group of friends. You know who I'm talking about. We all have friends who still think the apex of good fun is playing hours of beer pong and then riding a lawnmower into a pond or stealing an amusing street sign like "En Trail," "Geta Way," or "Socio Path."

We know better than to hang out with these friends. They have not matured the way we have. They sleep in bean bag chairs, their apartments are decorated with traffic signs and black-light posters, and their refrigerators contain only cases of beer and a half jar of dill pickles.

... it has something to do with hormones and brain development

But they are our pals, so despite spousal disapproval, we still see them occasionally to celebrate birthdays and suspended sentences. They are essential because common sense would otherwise prevail, and if anything must be avoided in alligator wrestling, it's common sense.

After a typical afternoon with these friends, the conversation inevitably turns to the exploits of heroes like Sir Adrian Carton de Wiart, Zorro, John McClane (Die Hard, and Jack Bauer (24), and what it takes to be considered courageous. It's agreed that we would all comport ourselves as valiantly as Zorro, given the proper circumstances, but such circumstances are rare at beer-pong tournaments. We have to devise our own circumstances. So, it's reasonably and inevitably decided that true courage may be proven only by wrestling an alligator. Dares, double-dares, and your-mama-still-buys-your-shirts dares follow until action is mandatory.

The next step is to find an alligator. Big ones are okay if you're drunk enough, but any alligator over eight feet is likely to keep a few fingers or toes as souvenirs of an encounter with a first-timer. Though you are unquestionably heroic and sneer at such risk, you may one day want to play the piano. Smaller alligators are, therefore, preferable — for the sake of the arts.

... we still see them occasionally to celebrate birthdays and suspended sentences

Geography is not a legitimate consideration. Some claim that alligators thrive only in temperate climes, but I know that assertion to be false. They are everywhere. Cold-weather alligators were common when I was growing up in the Northeast. They'd barge onto the pond when we were ice skating or drop out of trees when we were hiking and cause all manner of inconvenience. If the snow was deep, we'd see only a moving bulge on the surface as the alligator maneuvered underneath, and we'd have to jump briskly. So, even if it's winter, get out there and find an alligator. Zoos are cheating and, as a source, to be viewed with contempt, so find an alligator in the wild. Golf courses are often suitable environments. Alligators like golfers; they're colorful, like M&Ms.

When you spot an alligator, you and your friends should line up on the shore and hurl insults at it until it decides to investigate. Prepare yourself as it nears shore. Ensure your pipe is burning well, as it's challenging to relight from on top of an alligator.

Your approach strategy is as important as your choice of pipe. Approach the alligator from behind. If you come at a gator head-on or from the side, it'll snatch the pipe right off your face. Ask any pipe repairman: Alligator damage is irreversible. The only thing you can do with a gator-chewed pipe is mourn its loss and notify its friends.

... any alligator over eight feet is likely to keep a few fingers or toes as souvenirs

To avoid that tragedy, Peterson System pipes are recommended. Nicely bent, they offer minimal horizontal target extension, are rugged and fortified thanks to the stem mount, and because you'll be in the shallow water and likely to moisten your tobacco, the System will help you remain gurgle-free as you subdue the primordial beast. An expedition-proven pipe like the Peterson System is essential for wilderness activity.

Alligators have palatal valves at the back of their throats to keep water out of their tracheas. Be warned, however: Some sub-species of alligators have evolved with a palatal valve shaped like a pipe to entice pipe smokers, whom they consider yummy. Specifically, it's shaped like a Savinelli 606 KS because alligator evolution has determined that Italian bent Billiards are the most attractive to potential prey. Do not be fooled. Free pipes lying around inside the mouths of prehistoric monsters should be viewed with suspicion.

Alligator damage is irreversible

It's strange that they should enjoy pipe smokers so much because alligators loathe pipes. They've been documented climbing the walls of three- and four-story buildings (presumably because they have no ele-gator) just to trample and chew a pipe, so keep your System pipe firmly gripped in your teeth. The Peterson P-Lip makes it easy. You'll need to clench the pipe in your mouth, as both hands are required to subdue the gator, and a tight jaw clench will help muffle any collateral shrieking. (Spoiler: Those shrieks won't be originating with the alligator.)

As a distraction, your drunken friends should cast aspersions on the alligator while falling over themselves: "Your mama was a handbag!" for example, and "I got some Gator-aide for you right here, loser!" When the alligator takes offense, it will rush to the shore.

... alligators loathe pipes

Now is the time to jump on its back and pin its neck down with all your weight. These creatures have impressive bite strength but little muscle dedicated to opening those jaws, so pressing its head to the ground will render its bite useless. Remember to pin its back legs with your own to avoid its death roll, which can be dizzying and may even dislodge your tobacco. Slide your hands to the front of its mouth and clamp it shut. You'll easily hold it closed.

You've wrestled your alligator. But now it's time for the trickiest maneuver: the getaway.

Lean forward and blow smoke into the alligator's nose. Repelled and disgusted (because it is not civilized enough to appreciate a fine Virginia/Perique blend), it will quickly inhale to gather oxygen for swift retribution and then sneeze. An alligator's sneeze generates enormous exit velocity and thrust. Jump forward simultaneously with the sneeze as the alligator rockets 20 feet backward, propelled by Newton's third law of motion.

These creatures have impressive bite strength

Landing on your feet rather than face-planting, preferably, you should now run away. If your friends are still conscious, they should run, stagger, or crawl away, too, because that is one seriously dissatisfied reptile, and it will want to discuss your conduct.