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No matter how much I love something, there's always something I find irritating. Nothing is perfect. Popcorn is one of my favorite snacks, but damn, it's frustrating having to pick it out of my teeth. Pipe smoking is no exception: While it's been one of my most enjoyed pastimes for more than 15 years, there are certain aspects that just plain suck.
We spend a lot of time on The Daily Reader discussing the amazing, interesting, and commendable aspects of pipe smoking, but it's high time someone recognized its less-attractive elements. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying its shortcomings make pipe smoking unworthy of pursuing, but it isn't all glitz and glamor, rest and relaxation, fun and games — pick your cliché. It can be a real pain in the ass, and sometimes we need to vent about it.
Failed Seal on an Old Tobacco Tin
Cellaring tobacco is a lovely accompaniment to pipe smoking. Fresh tobacco and a nice pipe are already inherent goods, but cellaring tobacco and aging it only improves upon the already enjoyable experience. Moreover, the anticipation accrued over years of aging only adds investment and commitment to the process, making the eventual smoking even more satisfying.
Once at a pipe show, I purchased a 20-year-aged tin of Capstan Blue. I waited until I returned home to open it: My palate needed to recover after non-stop smoking at the show, and it would be a good celebratory toast to the fun weekend past. The fool I was. At some point in the tin's 20-year lifespan, its seal had failed — not enough to have made the lid noticeably loose or anything, but enough to allow air inside. Instead of dark-brown flakes rich with aromatic notes of tang, fruit, and sweetness, I was met with, essentially, sawdust.
Few things are worse than discovering unsmokeable tobacco at no fault of your own. Sure, it's the risk we take when cellaring (and a good reminder to replace metal tins with mason jars if you're committed not to reselling the tobacco), but man, is it a letdown when it happens.
Blowing Ash
This pet peeve, admittedly, is partly my fault, but that doesn't keep it from being annoying as hell. Sometimes a bent pipe hangs at just the right angle that when I retrohale or breathe out of my nose, the exhalation poofs a cloud of ash everywhere. Everything will be going great. Then, I'll adjust the pipe in my teeth, and the next moment, I look like I just emerged from a coal mine. Similarly, someone or something will make me laugh while clenching a pipe, and my unexpected chuckle will produce the same result.
For this reason, I recommend avoiding stand-up comedy, funny podcasts, and all other forms of humor when smoking a pipe. Pipe smoking is a serious endeavor and shouldn't be tainted by such foolish pursuits. Plus, ash is best kept inside the chamber.
Running Out of Lighting Source
Myriad methods of lighting a pipe exist: matches, lighters — those fueled by butane and those by lighter fluid — cedar spills, etc. They all offer their advantages and disadvantages, but they all share a need for being resupplied or refilled. And with lighters, it's difficult to discern their current fuel level until it's nigh empty. I can't count the number of times I've been on a long drive or out of the house, away from my butane canister, only to have a lighter start to peter out mid-smoke. Running out of pipe cleaners or forgetting a tamper are nuisances, but that won't prevent you from smoking at that moment. Losing a lighting source, however, is game over.
Missing Out on a Limited Release
This is a sore spot for a lot of pipe smokers: missing out on a limited release, or a release of any kind. Whether it's the most recent edition within Peterson's Charles Peterson Collection, Cornell & Diehl's latest Small Batch, or one of the precious few and scant Esoterica restocks, failing to procure an anticipated release can be devastating. And I doubt there's a pipe smoker out there who hasn't experienced this pet peeve in some form or another.
Moreover, nowadays, the knife is twisted thanks to internet forums and social media. Not only must I experience the disappointment of losing out, but now I have to witness everyone else enjoying it in front of me online. The only salves are hoping that one of my buddies is willing to share and knowing that the joy and excitement derived from the times I do score a special release vastly outweigh the disappointment when I don't.
Drying Out Tobacco
This is an admittedly anal pet peeve but an honest one nonetheless. After I've gathered all the assorted and necessary pipe-smoking accoutrement — lighter, tamper, cleaners, ashtray, pipe, tobacco, etc (yes, yes, I know I should just keep them all together) — the last thing I want to do is wait five minutes after realizing the tin I just opened has too high of a moisture content. Now, there are some blends and some manufacturers that simply always require drying time, so this irritation is exclusively for those unexpected occurrences. Pipe smoking is already a slow, deliberative process; I don't want to add to it, but I guess waiting for tobacco to dry builds character. Plus, it's worth it since the only thing worse than having to dry tobacco out is trying to smoke a bowl packed with tobacco that hasn't been dried out enough. An absolute nightmare and an utter waste of butane or matches.
In a similar vein, it's equally annoying having to repack a bowl that you've inadvertently packed too tightly. Sometimes the eagerness of wanting to try a certain blend or the greediness of wanting as much tobacco in the chamber as possible really backfires on me, and I have to walk it back like an idiot. It's still a pet peeve but definitely one entirely within my own control. I'll admit that. Again, though, it's worth repacking because the only thing worse than having to repack a bowl is trying to smoke overly packed tobacco. Smoking a pipe isn't supposed to be like drinking a milkshake.
Wind
It's a well-known fact that Mother Nature hates pipe smokers: Summers are too hot; winters are too cold; and there's wind year 'round. Today's pipe smokers are resigned to sacrificing comfort for the sake of enjoying a smoke outside, but we all do it because it's worth it. Gloves and scarves and coats do enough to make the cold bearable; shorts and tank tops and shade help abate the heat; or you're one of the lucky few able to smoke somewhere indoors.
Wind, however, is unbeatable. If you were able to light your pipe ahead of time, you can survive — wind caps are wonderful tools — but gods be with you if you need to relight. Plus, doesn't the wind always seem to increase as soon as a pipe is present? I'm telling you: Mother Nature hates pipe smokers.
Tobacco in the Airway
The only thing worse than drawing on a freshly lit pipe only to be greeted by a tiny fleck of tobacco that's traveled up from the chamber is if it's accompanied by the nasty tobacco juice/gunk combination that sometimes accumulates at the bottom of the chamber while smoking. Revulsion doesn't even begin to cut it. The experience is so unequivocally unpleasant that it's enough to ruin the whole bowl thanks to the acrid, lingering flavor it leaves as well as the fear of it happening again. All of the other pet peeves on this list are tolerable; this one, though, would make me give up pipe smoking if it was a normal part of the process. Blech.
All right, I've ranted long enough now. Your turn. What are some of your biggest pet peeves about our beloved hobby? The more irrational, the better.
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Comments
I have the same problem blowing ash while smoking my bent pipes. I tend to grade papers while smoking and I feel horrible when I hand back a paper that has ash marks on it. Good thing they're college students.
I remember upsetting a student who about pipes when I wrote more back to him. He made a good grade.
Those were the days.
A subcategory of the blowing ash problem: a tobacco strand that expands on the charring light, burning brightly, and escapes the bowl onto my shirt, pants, or furniture.
Lately it has been the top of my bare foot. Ouch!
I don’t have any pet peeves or complaints. Everything in life we do has something that doesn’t go exactly the way we like it. I just learned to live with it and enjoy the most I can get out of it. I love pipe smoking. The only complaint I have if any is the fact that after having a mild stroke this past February, everyone is coming down on me that I have to quit smoking. Like that’s gonna happen. I have cut down some, but they’ll never be satisfied until they see all my sold packed in a box and shipped to some lucky person.
Well done, Truett! Gosh, you hit most of my pet peeves. I slowed down smoking for years. I had a sealed tin of Black Mallory. During periods of storage over 30 years, the tin rusted. Oh, well.
Keep up the fine writing.
I agree with being away from the house and your source of lighting your pipe goes dead. I learned the hard way to always have two sources of light so if one goes dead then there is always another. My other peeve is the purist. They make pipe smoking sound difficult. You have to do things their way or you are not a pipe smoker. My last are the people more interested in the cost or uniqueness of their pipe. Enjoy it no matter the cost.
I should add a funny story. A person was in his fathers new car while he ran into a store. He sneezed while he had a pipe in his mouth. All I can say is it did not turn out well.
Great writing- all of the pet peeves are so true and I've experienced them all and it's good that someone finally addressed them vs the "virtue's " of pipe smoking. Another one I'll mention is cleaning the pipe with the pipe cleaner which usually stops half way down the stem and then you have to twist and turn it in hopes of getting it to go down fully. Then using the other end of the cleaner, you get residue on your fingers when you pull it out which is most irritating. That's my addition to the story. Thanks again
I'm simultaneously amused and appalled by those who buy a glut of the latest dropped blend.they seem to have a ticket scalpers mentality like boost it for a profit later
The Boy Scouts had a saying about always being prepared. Then a credit card company said you should never leave home without it. Combine the two rules with a little canvas bag and your all set.
I live in an apartment that doesn’t allow us to smoke inside. So I have to smoke with the wind it only blows when I open my lighter. I’ve never been able to light with matches because they go out as soon as I start one. Occasionally I’ll go to a local cigar bar that lets me smoke my pipe inside, but yeah, the wind is a constant enemy.
My biggest pet peeve is falling in love with an Estate Pipe only to find some used car salesman unloaded a Lakeland Demon. Pretty sure "Mild Chamber Carbonization" is a euphemism for should have been buried in the backyard. Strangely, my recently purchased Brulor with horn stem is infected by this same toilet water odor...probably the real reason Bruno Nuttens over drills the shank and airway as wide as an MMC Cob.
Ghosted estate pipes are definitely annoying! (One quick note though: Bruno doesn't make Brulor pipes; they're all new old-stock from an old French factory)
Those little fly-away embers near the start of a smoke that leave pinholes in shirts, pants, pillows, upholstery, whatever. Always at a moment when you are thinking about something else and don't catch it. At home I typically drape a kitchen towel over my front, lobster bib style, when lighting up.
Aah, those stray ashes! I have several t-shirts with holes in them from pipe smoking. So, they're now just reserved for smoking. I have always had problems trying to light a pipe outside, the wind always blows my butane lighter out.
Overloading a pipe is an occasional problem. I had discovered a simple, cheap, solution that works for me. On the Internet, I found an inexpensive, but rather nice looking hatpin about 2 inches long with a really nice gold crown on the top. With it I can Aerate the tobacco to achieve desired results. It may work for you.
Very insightful/amusing post. Thank you.
Here my #1 pet peeve- Living in a state where it is a FELONY to import tobacco, and it is taxed at a 90% rate. That means no mail order. I am missing out on so much good smoke.
That is brutal. I hope Kalifornistan doesnt find out!
I live there as well. That's another reason I save up for road trips. It's not just to see grandkids.
I was recently visiting my brother in Utah, and he has decided to try pipe smoking. We went into a tobacco store and found some Peterson early morning for over $40 a tin. I asked the sales clerk about it and she said there was a 78% tax on pipe tobacco. Don't tell anybody but I ordered some and mailed it to him.
You hit the big ones but in defense of pipe smoking wind affects all forms of smoking to some degree. But my one big gripe is why pipe lighter companies (excluding disposable lighters) still cannot make a butane lighter light well in windy conditions no matter how much you pay for it or for that matter continue working for more that a couple of years. The smelly lighter fluid Zippo still remains king of lighters for wind and alternatively a couple of dollar disposable. Figure that one out.
My pet peeve is those a** holes that convulse in exaggerated coughing and hacking when they notice a pipe or cigar smoker within the length of a football field from their location.
Especially when their truck is expelling more noxious fumes than my pipe or cigar will in the next twenty years. If you've ever experienced a stop light confrontation over your pipe smoke, you know what I'm talking about.
My pet peeve is a pipe that the stem opening is too small for the standard pipe cleaner. I don't break a pipe down while it is hot, but there is no solution to fix a gurgle in the middle of a bowl.
🎶Hey, Joe, where ya goin' with that pipe in your hand? Say, I'm going down town to break my pipe down, you know I caught it gurgling in my hand...and that ain't too cool 🎶 There is a way, Joe, but it should be done in private to not gross anyone out. Make sure you've ashed and the pipe is packed somewhat firmly,. Simply turn the pipe upside down and tap the button of the stem gently on your wrist or the back of your hand. Keep tapping until you see the moisture coming out, just have a napkin or whatever to wipe it off with (smells like graham crackers to me). When in a pinch, this takes care of a gurgle. Tried and proven for me in a dirty work environment.
Hey Joe S. -- I know it's blasphemous to refer you to other online merchants on this site, but check around and you can find vendors who sell extra-thin pipe cleaners. I've found those solve the problem pretty well!
And Nasty Nate -- That's a great take on Jimi Hendrix's "Hey Joe"! Thanks for that!
This is a great article and maybe it’s mistitled (in a good way!).
When I think of people sharing their pet peeves, what comes to mind is griping and whining.
Truett’s article isn’t that. Instead, it’s a list of common frustrations we have as pipe smokers—and, for me, it’s reassurance that even the more experienced smokers to whom I look up face these same little challenges. Overpacking a bowl and having to redo the whole thing is the challenge that most resonates with me.
In terms of true pet peeves, I can’t describe mine any better than Vick C.
My tin of Seattle Pipe Club"s Mississippi River Special Reserve arrived and with anticipation of a 2 year old, I opened it and loaded a smoke. It tasted bitter with a back-palette unpleasant smokiness, almost like burning oak. How could a highly touted tobacco be like this? The next morning, the tin was where I relegated it to its time-out corner. Hmm. I thought, maybe there's something to letting this stuff dry out before firing it up so I crumbled a pipe full amount onto my leather plate intending to dry it for 15 minutes. I was distracted by another hobby for about 2 hours. I returned to where the tobacco was patiently waiting to be smoked, loaded it into my pipe, lit the char, then tamped, then lit for a serious smoke. IT WAS DELICIOUS! A lesson learned, however impatient, don't smoke wet tobacco. The chemistry is altered when wet, and not a pleasant outcome. Like preparing food before it hits the pan and cooking it in sequence that optimizes the taste, I'm resolved to dry all of my wet tobaccos beforehand from now on.
My pet peeve? Easy. Manufacturers that discontinue a line (looking at you MacBaren HH), or cease operations (McClelland, you broke my heart). Yeah, I understand that shit happens, but damn, there's nothing worse than finding out that a beloved tobacco is gone forever. That's why I am so loyal to Peterson,
Gawith Hoggarth and Co., and Cornell & Diehl...ESPECIALLY Cornell & Diehl. Yeah I'm disappointed when I miss a Limited Edition or new release. And I hate it when my favorites are out of stock. Still, C&D goes above and beyond to offer pipers some interesting options. I appreciate that effort immensely.
So hats off to C&D, Peterson, Gawith Hoggarth and Co. Without you guys, my pipe smoking days would probably come to an end.
Oh, and also thanks to SmokingPipes.com for continuing to take my money. Haha!
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Fairly new pipe smoker here. When the pipe lets me know I’ve reached the bottom of the bowl by giving me a tongue-ful of ashes, I hate that. It only happens once in a while, but when it does, bleah!