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Scenario 1
When the aliens landed, the event went unnoticed, because they were itsy, tiny aliens. Their craft entered the atmosphere and floated on air currents through an open window into a pipe smoker's office, landing next to a pipe waiting to be cleaned on the desk. They didn't know it was a pipe made by Jeff Gracik, one of the most talented pipe carvers on the planet. They didn't even know it was a pipe, or that it hadn't been cleaned in three or four smokes. The aliens had landed next to the lip button, and all they saw was a wide, oval cave, which they determined to explore in search of intelligent life.
"What is this place," asked Corporal Farbac, lifting his space boot and trying to shake off the tarry substance that was making it impossible to walk. "I stick to everything. Is it a trap? Are we about to be eaten?"
"Probably," said the Captain in disgust. "This environment is appalling. Goop dripping from the walls, unable to navigate, it's awful here. If this planet has any inhabitants, they must be disgusting slime monsters with no sense of smell. Can you detect that odor through your suit? I've never smelt such an evil atmosphere."
"It gets wider back here," called a crew member, "and seems to be made of wood, but it's saturated with the same slime. And it's blocked at the end by burnt shrubbery."
"Burnt shrubbery?" asked the Captain.
"Well, burnt plant material of some kind. Most inhospitable."
"Let's blast into orbit and nuke the planet," suggested Krantork. "We can't have innocent travelers end up in a place like this."
So the aliens destroyed the earth.
Scenario 2
When the aliens landed, the event went unnoticed, because they were cute little miniature aliens and unnoticeable as they flew through an open window into a pipe smoker's office, landing on the desk next to a pipe. They didn't know it was a pipe made by Jeff Gracik, one of the most talented carvers on the planet, or that it had just been thoroughly cleaned.
"What is this place?" asked Corporal Farbac, running his space-suited hand over the smooth, pristine vulcanite walls of the cave. "It's so smooth and welcoming."
"And it smells so nice," said the Captain. "I can smell the freshness right through my suit."
"Look further back," said Farbac. "The walls change to wood, and the grain is beautiful. And then it opens up into a wide bowl with the sky above."
"This is a terrific planet," declared the Captain. "We will welcome these people into our consortium and they shall be held in the highest esteem."
So you see, the condition you leave your pipes can have an impact on everyone world-wide. Keep them clean with B.J. Long pipe cleaners, available here, and avert the destruction of the planet by aliens.
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Comments
Hahahahahaha! Great story!
I love your writing Chuck. And your intense knowledge as well. I would love to see you tackle two of my favorite pipe-smoking mysteries, which I have worked on and found no solution. 1) Just what was it that Mark Twain smoked? I have found that it included Turkish Tobacco, granulated tobacco, and Bull Durham: but have not been able to discover exactly what kind of tobacco Bull Durham was. 2) The great mystery writer Raymond Chandler never seems to have been photographed without a pipe in his mouth. I have never seen anything written about him as a pipe smoker. What sort of pipe is that? Anybody know what he smoked? I think both topics would be good for your unique talents are a writer and a researcher. And maybe even as a humorist. --If you get a chance, thanks!